"before you adorn me with gold" by Samikchhya Bhusal

& say this was the right decision
note that i had little say in this
marriage. was only to quiet the questioning
your friends are married
cousin X got engaged

before you turn me to a bridal doll
how beautiful. tries to hide the family’s debt 
i was figuring out. how to find home inside my body 
how to love a country where i am a second-class citizen
how to break these old chains 
our mothers called it love. these myths we whisper 
unbearable. i tried to run 
but the guests have arrived 
bangles clanking. sarees, suits & gold on display
this wreckage. beyond repair. so why
be afraid. burn me at the wedding palace 
i would instead turn into ashes 
won’t rot with permissions, control 
lessons on womanhood. always save the marriage
i want to be saved too 

before you burn me to ashes, here’s a list 
i saved all the receipts, I hid it in my chest 
this ring, the necklace, the bangle. all refundable
the last crumbs of my freedom won’t return 
& i cannot let my heart sit through this
remove the wedding ring safely
it will house a few friends for months 
take out the garland of marigold around my neck 
flowers are compostable. make sure the guests feel welcome
smile at everybody and greet them
tell them to eat well. dinner is on me.
don’t mind the rumors in between 
I heard she was [ ] 
the couple looks a bit [ ]
how much was the [ ] 

before you burn this body 
remember to get a mannequin doll to replace me
& drape it in a red saree
just so there is no confusion 

before they take the mannequin home 
you may cry a little 
don’t worry, nobody will notice 
until the morning, nobody will notice 
until they want their cup of chai with ginger and crushed cardamom 
nobody will notice 

& make no mistake. I did my best to escape 
in fact, I was running a marathon. 
where will this end?
and we all know it won’t 

Samikchhya Bhusal to find places of home and hope. She grew up in Kathmandu, Nepal and currently lives in Los Angeles, California.