Like many stereotypes, New York City's are grounded for the most part in truth: it is dirty, smelly, loud, expensive, a hassle. And those are just the top five. Plus, thanks to a mayor who says he desires to clear our environment of secondhand smoke, loud nightclubs, and ringing cell phones (but immediately upon entering office slashed a finally operational recycling program), it's only getting worse. Yet the city is crowded with eight million people who, at least ostensibly, want to live here. It's the most populous city in the union and, to judge by the steady stream of fresh-faced wannabe New Yorkers arriving here every day at least, it's only going to get more crowded. Optimists choose to look the other way and follow the advice of all the Pollyannas who've made this place some kind of promised land. Thanks to them, New York City has become known as the place to make it.

Then again, who am I to talk? I too made a run for the Big City, a head full of quixotic dreams fueling my flight. Abetted by Hollywood and countless pop songs (yes, Sinatra), I jumped the oh-so-secure ship of Seattle, shedding the accoutrements of early adulthood (a fuel-efficient sedan; a residence with a parking space; a job with a private office bigger than most New York apartments) and headed East.

Now, with a few years' perspective on the whole thing, I can finally admit it: New York is definitely dirty, smelly, loud, expensive, and a huge hassle. Had I known a few other things prior to moving here, though, I might have been able to duck the blows New York has since dealt me. At least I might have been ready to punch back.

1. The little things are much bigger in New York. And I'm not just talking laundry, with which I had a bit of an unfair advantage in Seattle. (Mom was just a fifteen-minute drive away, a drive I took weekly.) But yes, clean garments can be a challenge here. I have rarely found a New York City apartment building that contains a laundry room, and owning an in-apartment washer and dryer is a pipe dream you'd best disabuse yourself of before coming to town.

Then there's getting from your home to your place of work and back again each day. Sure, once you find your groove, the New York commute can be accomplished in your sleep. But take one look at the snake-like snarl of subway lines on any New York map and tell me you're not a little bit daunted. And don't even think about making a phone call en route, since you will be doing most of your commuting on the subway. (Trust me — six million people daily can't be wrong.) Until they find a way to get a cellular signal underground, subways will remain chatter free — which is nice if you want to read, daydream, or nap. But if you've been owing your mom a phone call for two weeks, it can be more than a little frustrating.

And finally: shoes. Your feet are going to hurt here. You may never have considered yourself a "sensible shoe" type, but pain can be a strong motivator. Before you know it, you will be trotting around Manhattan in a pair of Rockports. Trust me on this, too.

2. Feeding yourself is all too easy here, yet all too difficult. Whereas in your old hometown eating out was a luxury, a special occasion, in Gotham the opposite becomes true — and all as the result of a lack of acceptable grocery options. Not only are the corner stores known as bodegas tiny, dirty, and poorly stocked, these sorry substitutes for supermarkets keep wildly inconsistent hours. Really, they should amend "The City That Never Sleeps" with the asterisk disclaimer: "except grocery stores." As a result, it's next to impossible to obtain the ingredients needed for a supposedly simple home-cooked meal.

So. Before you pack your things for a move to the Big Apple (ironic that the city should be nicknamed for produce, but I digress), take a long, last look at that clean, well-lighted, stocked-to-the-ceiling-with-multiple-selections-of-whatever-your-tummy-desires, open 24-7 grocery store. You're going to miss it more than you know.

3. "Love The One You're With" could be a New Yorker's theme song. Considering the sheer number of people who live here, New York is probably one of the harder places on the planet to make and maintain fulfilling relationships, both platonic and otherwise. In New York, the plethora of options — and the many neighborhoods one could feasibly lay one's head at the end of the night — actually limits the number of acquaintanceships available. In short, it's the old rule of being paralyzed by too many choices. Because of the excessive planning, commuting, and plain old waiting that a New York social life requires, you have to really, really want to hang out with someone here in order to do it.

On the other hand, that same vastness can foster all kinds of unsavory one-night-stand behavior. That new, ahem, friend you drunkenly brought home last night? The one whose name you can't for the life of you remember? Not to worry. The chances of running into him or her again are slim to zero.

4. Chicago is the Windy City, Seattle is rainy, Alaska is downright cold. So what? It's nothing compared to the meteorological beating we New Yorkers take on a regular basis. It's dumbfounding to me that eight million people continue to subject themselves to months on end of subfreezing temperatures, followed by endless weeks of heat and humidity so extreme that it actually feels like you're living in a giant bowl of soup. At least in most other cities you can hop into your personal climate-controlled vehicle and protect yourself from the elements — even propel yourself away from them, should you so desire. In New York, the subway stations are neither heated nor air-conditioned. I seriously wouldn't be surprised to learn that people routinely freeze to death while waiting for the N or R train in the winter or expire from the heat on the A train platform in the summer. Sure, you could hail a cab — assuming there's one around when you need it — but that would tap your drink budget. Speaking of which ...

5. I'm not as think as you drunk I am. The food, the theater, the jobs, the music. While all of that's up for debate, one thing that unequivocally is not better in New York, at least for us imbibers, is the drinks. In a word, they are weak. Maybe bartenders in other cities have spoiled me with their generosity, but unless you specifically order a double here, don't expect the person behind the bar to pour liberally. A near and dear Seattle friend nearly socked the bartender the first time she ordered a Jack Daniels and Coke that was, well, heavier on the "and Coke" than she was used to. I'm guessing the pervading logic among New York bartenders is that if they pour a less-strong drink, they'll make more tips from the more drinks bought to compensate for their miserly ways. Sorry Charlie. At six dollars a pop (on the low end) and twelve dollars a pop (at the high end), we want to be able at least to taste the alcohol in our drinks. Otherwise, why not just stay home and drink your own damn liquor? It's probably not such a good idea to be drunkenly stumbling around the big, bad city of New York, anyway.

6. New Yorkers aren't the masters of wit and wisdom you may have thought. Perhaps I've seen one too many Woody Allen movies, but one of the many stereotypes about Manhattan I brought with me from Seattle is that people are smarter here. Perhaps you too had the impression that every New Yorker is an OED-toting, Ivy League-educated, world-traveled smarty-pants with ten bulging bookshelves. Clearly I had not accounted for the proximity of New Jersey.

Holy moly, are there a lot of idiots in this joint. Or is it just the number of people who sound dumb when they talk? (No, I'm not going to "cawl.") No wonder longtime New York residents such as Madonna have adopted British accents — years of immersion in the local way of speaking would make anyone run for the nearest diction consultant. For that matter, my nonscientific survey shows that for every nine subway riders reading the Rupert Murdoch-owned tabloid, just one is reading The New York Times. Oh wait, I forgot, it is more important to know what hotel heiress was spotted with Jimmy Fallon than how many bodies are piling up in the Middle East and why.

7. It's actually not rude, it's efficient. Really! New Yorkers are much easier to be around than a lot of my former neighbors in Seattle. Face it: the person behind the counter at the deli where you buy your coffee doesn't care how your day is, and you don't care how hers is. Sound rude? No, what's rude is wasting a person's time with chitchat. Believe me, the people in line behind you right now are nodding in agreement.

Surprisingly, the people here are much more approachable than the residents of most cities. A sort of "we're in this together" mentality permeates New York, and thus it's not deemed brash to strike up a casual conversation with the person next to you on the subway platform about, I don't know, what the hell is taking the train so goddamn long. Were you to do the same thing in many other cities, you'd be met with silence and an attitude. And not simply because there's no subway in most of those cities.

Having said all this — and I've only scratched the surface — New York is the best thing that ever happened to me. All of the above notwithstanding, the city has been good to me. Like a very loving but strict parent, New York builds character. It's also a perfect de facto finishing school for those of us who've been spoiled by the everybody's-a-star circumstances many years in one's hometown can breed.

The other day, sitting in a pizza place, I looked up and saw a poster, dated 1977, with a quote that resonates particularly well with what I've been trying to convey over the past several pages:

"You have to be crazy to live in New York, but you'd be nuts to live anywhere else."